HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
