Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
