I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
