I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
