Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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