Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
