I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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