Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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