I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
