I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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