I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize