Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
