I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
