Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think my moral compass just broke
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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