How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
