I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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