Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
