my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
