i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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