listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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