I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
