he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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