I puked a lego.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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