But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I met the friendliest cop last night
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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