Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
God, I missed his penis.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
