I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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