It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
