I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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