so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
