I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize