I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I need water and some morals
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
