the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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