i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
