Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
