Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
