Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
