wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
