My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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