Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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