i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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