I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i was born a porn star she said
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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