eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
