we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
