Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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