Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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