Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
