Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
