Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
