Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
