420 ftw
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
