onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
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