Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I look better un-naked...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
