billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
