i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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