I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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