Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I believe in your delicious
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize