Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
