capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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